When I graduated from high school, it was 2007. The year the iPhone was launched, Queen Elizabeth II became the longest-reigning monarch, and Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black record was playing on the radio. At the time, for someone who remained living with their parents after high school, applying for financial support grants and a student loan was not an option. I would need to prove that the parents I still had medical insurance under could not afford to fund a university-level education. I learned early on in high school that I could not prove this. So I put my head down and focused on what I believed to be a more sustainable, attainable, and practical profession through a local community college, funded by shifts at Tim Hortons and Dairy Queen, and two Summer internships as a children and community organizer at my local church, respectively.

It goes without saying that I did not believe a university-level education was in the cards for me, not only financially, but intellectually. I had drunk from the Kool-Aid that to be a successful woman, I needed to focus on getting a quiet job as a service provider & or helper, procreate with a loyal husband and to host family gatherings happily- and yet almost two decades later, here we are. Only one semester of an MFA left, and a full 80,000-plus words of a manuscript written later.

Nothing has been easy about this process thus far, but everything has been rewarding. To soak in the craft of stories, to share in the work of what it means to rip one's heart open and mine the wreckage for the material that will ultimately be crushed into fragments and built back into something, layer by layer, that others can absorb with their eyes, minds and spirits. A journey of a lifetime.

As one artist said to me after what was an obviously long day of his own work:
”There is a place for and a need at times, after toxins have built up for years and years, for a spiritually led creative vomit.”

The idea that what I have been processing internally for the last twenty years has been churning away and finally, to have let it out, at least so that I can think clearly, process better and source the ‘creative inspiration’ for what is of value, is something that I am relieved and excited to turn my attention to.

I can’t say where this manuscript is heading in the end, how the pages will be read and what the final product will ultimately look and sound like - but what I can know is that the creative act I am making by showing up and seeing this Master’s program through along with this manuscript is an act of honouring the spiritual compulsion that is creativity. To create something from nothing is the biggest Ace up one’s sleeve and I’ll be spending my lifetime studying the act of it.

Baby Showers & 10th Birthday Parties: Tablescape with food and potted mini succulents.

One only needs to turn on the news to recognize that life is full of atrocities, problems and traumatic happenings. We could easily soak in the words of the angriest rant of the latest news cycle and forget to help plant seeds for the future. Seeds that will potentially and eventually grow into sprouts that will reach as high as they can to provide shade, bloom and harvest for ourselves and those who come ahead of us.

Milestones are these seeds of opportunity.

They allow us to take a moment, look at how far we have come, and also create a pause for connection to the hope and promise of what may come after.

This year, I decided to put myself back into reclaiming milestones as memories and investments in the future.

Amythest birthday cake made by an Auntie.

Reaching the tenth year of mothering has provided me with a decade of intensified personal growth and healing. Each year she lives is a year I am challenged to reparent and mother myself in a new way, while also witnessing the incredible individuality and journey of another spirit that is separate from me, yet made possible by me. Taking the mindful time to throw her a birthday party and delve into her interests is an honour as well as an investment in my own journey as a mother and woman. To practice witnessing her is to practice witnessing myself.

—

It’s safe to say I was zero percent prepared for my long-distance best friend to announce she was pregnant. Her child-free, independent life, which I lived vicariously through, had been a mainstay throughout my ten-year journey as a parent. I had never considered that it might be my turn to follow along on her journey, waving my proverbial pom-poms as she evolved and gave birth to a new life and a new era of herself.

Celebrating these special moments was like pulling an ace card out of my sleeve and claiming one celebratory way to hold on to hope for the future, despite the turmoil that can threaten to overtake.

Ace of Hearts.

pre teen in a sparkly pair of doc marten boots.

It’s been said that you are 100% who you are at your core by the time you're ten years old.

At ten years old, I was falling in love with the role and joys of ‘best friend’, eyeing boys who could hold intelligent conversations, reading stacks of books, writing lists, ideas, and story ideas on scraps of paper, and beginning to develop my love for films, music and playing an instrument.

It is an honour to be a parent of a ten-year-old, to hold space for their interests, whims and desires, and to learn that, in doing so, I am healing parts of myself that went unexplored.

Waiting in line for a Bryan Adams Concert : Roll with the Punches Tour

Doc Martens were not on my radar as a shoe option for myself in the ‘90s and early 2000s. Despite being popular and worn by all the cool kids in the grades around me, I was often relegated to hand-me-down shoes or directed toward more practical, feminine options. I eyed the girls who walked with confidence and recognized the quiet power these boots gave them. I even remember studying my young uncle’s Doc Marten shoes when he came in from university classes. The way he pulled them off without untying them, and the bold stitching they had.

Fast forward almost three decades, and the ten-year-old I am raising, who points out Doc Martens on our outings.

“I love these.” I would love to have them someday.”

Through her eyes, I realize how much I have resisted this option for myself. I had let myself believe that Doc Martens were a shoe for the edgy, grunge emo youth I never had.

Ridiculous.

When we sat down to order her first pair, I decided to pull an ace out of my sleeve and reclaim the ’90s pre-teen youth I might have had if being edgy and cool were welcome in the house I grew up in, and get my own pair alongside hers.

Together, we put on our boots and walked into her first rock concert, where we learned even more about her interests, passions, and her way of processing the world around her.

On the outside, these are just boots.
On the inside, for me, these are steps I am learning to take, one foot after the other, to understand who I and my daughter individually are at our deepest core.

Be it girly, grungy, or everything in between.

Ace of Spades for 2025 played to reclaim the 1990s grunge era I would have thrived in.

“Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?”

Growing up, I didn’t trick-or-treat on Halloween. I attended my local mega church, where children from pre-school to grade six were directed to dress either in animal costumes or as Bible characters. Diverting from this was highly frowned upon. Characters like Elphaba, Harry Potter, the Genie, and other mystical creatures were considered unholy. Or, even more aptly, wicked.

I was a cat most years at school and at night at my family's church during Hallows Eve, despite wishing I could transform into something different—like my friends at school did. A few times, I was Red Riding Hood at school. Not that I wanted to be her back then at all. It was just the only other palatable option provided for me.

Now three decades later, I am donning a witch’s hat for the first time in my entire life. I am sure somewhere, some church elder is shaking their head, or even a family member wishing I would stick to more palatable characters for a mom of a pre-teen. Belle from Beauty and the Beast, perhaps? Or one of Jane Austen’s characters?

“Why does she have to be so provocative?” They might be thinking.

They’ll miss the whole point I’m trying to make, of course. It’s only natural. The witch's hat is too distracting, the green eyeshadow too sultry—the lack of reverence requiring a stop, drop and roll prayer to the Lord.

Who is Elphaba? The notorious Wicked Witch of the West?

The Wicked Witch of the West is a product of what happens when you realize that everything you worshiped and were raised in as a younger person has been a trap to keep you afraid of others' differences. The Wicked Witch is the embodiment of choosing to love not just the differences that you were made with, but to embrace and choose to love that which others find unlovable. To be wicked is to choose togetherness rather than ‘othering’. But that is the ridiculous thing with this world. The moment someone stands up and decides to love what is different, to have compassion? To care? They are crucified for it.

Be it on the cross.

Or - on a witch’s broom.

My family has often called me ‘the wild one’ to remind me of my place, which I am not fulfilling properly.

But they’re wrong. It turns out - I was never simply wild.
I was transforming into something else.
Something more like….
a wicked witch.

After a lifetime of saying that spring is my favourite season, I have finally concluded that in this era of my life, it is Autumn that has stolen my heart.

While Spring may be bright, energizing, and hopeful, Autumn is by far the most spectacular, connective, bonding, and reflective.

So far

• Reading memoirs & non-fiction for school.

• Fitting in magical, mythical and fantastical Fiction.

• Plotting and planning All Hallows Eve.

• Weekend nature walks as a family that are sublime.

• Weekend glasses of red wine.

• Cozy blankets everywhere.

• Gilmore Girls on in the background.

• My curated Autumn 2025 Playlist for car rides.

• Paced and scheduled days for the pre-teens’ school workload.

• Braiding the pre-teen’s hair after a shower so she has it styled her preferred way the next day.

• Manuscript Writing and virtual meetings with mentors.

• Submitting writing course assignments one by one. (only one left to go for this semester!)

• Sitting back down at the piano. (Defying Gravity, The Succession Theme, Scale practice.)

Whatever elements of Autumn that steal your heart - let it be stolen.

We are all born into frameworks and ways of being.

It just so happened that mine was restricting not only my individuality, but the very breath inside me.

A suffocating weight layered in verses, unspoken rules, raised hands, altar calls, undiagnosed and overlooked mental illnesses, prayers and attendance expectations.

The ’90s evangelical purity culture gave me the rule book, the Bible gave me the expectations, and the family tree gave me the coping mechanisms.

A corset was made to keep one tight, upright and in place.

Until the moment one dared to loosen the strings and discovered just how restricted one was.

But breath has a way of breaking through.

In my memoir, I’m exploring how I found mine.

I made a pact with myself that at some point over the summer, I would slip in lighter reads. You’ll see that I was able to utilize my vacation days for just that.

On Our Best Behaviour | Elise Loenen

This book entered my life after I made a list of books for research. After finding this title, it was inevitable that I read it. Elise does a fantastic job of showing how the seven (or eight, depending on your system) have interwoven themselves into our lives and society for no benefit other than to maintain control over women. This read was another permission slip my spirit had been aching for.

How We Learn to Be Brave | Mariann Edgar Budde

Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde was unknown to me until the moment she addressed the latest American President in a plea for mercy and compassion for minority groups and peoples as he took office. A plea that those in positions of faith and service to their communities can so easily understand. It did not surprise me that the majority of ‘conservative’ voices diminished her words and her bravery through ‘word salad’ commentaries. Some even decided to cloak their dismissiveness of her message with a patriarchal message that overrode her intelligence, compassion and life's work.
We will not remember them.
However, the history books will remember Mariann and her straightforward message, which so many before her have carried. Her book is just as humble, peace-driven, and compassionate as her speech on January 24, 2025. Worth the read - wherever you land on the political and faith spectrum.

The Housemaid | Freida McFadden

I inhaled this over vacation only to be left with an errie feeling I had read this book before. One of my favourite breakout novels, ‘The Last Mrs.Parish’ from years ago, left a mark on my memory I will never forget. It was hard to shake after closing Freida’s book, whether or not this was intentional - there were too many similarities. Will I read more of her work? More than likely. Will I be attentive to her storytelling techniques? Even more so.

I Am, I Am, I Am | Maggie O’Farrell

I was told many times that I should read this memoir. It delivered. I Am, I Am, I Am shows what it looks like to take a theme that a writer cannot shake and provide the reader with an engaging yet nuanced look at all the varied sides of said theme. This memoir will have a permanent spot on my bookshelf.

The Last Garden in England | Julia Kelly

I fell in love with this book. Julia crafts sections and character arcs that span time, allowing one to feel truly immersed. Worth the read if you enjoy stories told in different eras, all having a common thread.

The Bookclub for Troublesome Women | Marie Bostwick

My aunt and I often enjoy reading at least one book a year together. This one was a pick she found, and I happily joined. This novel portrays a diverse range of 1960s women at various stages of life as they navigate the rise of feminism, as well as books such as ‘The Feminine Mystique’. Naturally, reading this book also led me to order Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique for historical context and personal research.

Body Work | Melissa Febos

A recommended read from my master’s program. I left this book feeling clearer on my own memoir trajectory and directive while also being moved and inspired at the same time.

Clemintine | Sarah Pennypacker

Having previously enjoyed Sarah’s longer works, I wondered how Clementine stood up. As the cover suggests, she stands wonderfully upside down. My resident ten-year-old enjoyed her too.

Every Summer After | Carley Fortune

There is a reason Carley became known for her great Canadian beach reads. If you need one, pick one of hers. They are precisely what one needs to enjoy a light but engaging read for a summer weekend.
*may have a renewed love for the Greek name: Persephone.

Little White Lies | Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Reads like Tiny Pretty Things, this book is an excellent choice if you are looking for a fast-paced, engaging read.

This Won’t End Well | Camille Pagan

I found Camille’s protagonist entertaining and enjoyed the ‘mystery’ within the plot. That said, something about the duplicity of both ‘antagonists’ didn’t make a complete landing for me. All in all, still enjoyed the read.

Recovering From Puriety Culture | Camden Morgante

As soon as this hit the market, it was an obvious must-read. I sincerely appreciate how Dr. Morgan uses a matter-of-fact approach to dismantling the impact of purity culture on women. She leaves a lot of room for those who still have faith, but also speaks clinically to those who are wondering why they are still wounded and suffering emotionally from these teachings. Her work online continues to serve those of us who are on a healing mission for ourselves and those women around us.

Contrary to popular belief, writing chronologically isn’t always the best way to tell a story.

I would argue it’s rarely the best way unless you are writing a history book or a systems manual of some kind. No one tells a story in order. Our memories and thoughts don’t work that way.

The same goes for the process of my fragments for my memoir.

1. I decide on the theme.

Before I sit down to write, I decide what I need to write next. This is generally what is pressing on my mind and is usually decided while I am showering the night before or the morning of.
*Showers and walks are where most of my clear thinking is found.

2. I make a list.

Once I have decided what I am about to write, I make a list of all of the possible scenes, thoughts, words, quotes and ideas this theme brings up. For example:
Birthdays
- homemade cake.
- Streamers
- Dad’s Disney Voices
- Video camera
- Elementary school friends

These prompts don’t need to mean anything to anyone else, but to me, they allow me to see visually in my mind a variety of scenes. Once I am satisfied with the list, I decide which is best to begin with. I return to the concept: “Come in late, and leave early.” This concept helps create momentum and urgency in my writing and often allows me to introduce an intense scene that I can enter late and then expand upon.

3. I sit down to write.

No later than the day after I write the list, do I sit down to write the fragment. It’s important to me that I feel the urgency to write the fragment, which is why I bounce around. There are weeks I do not want to write about heavier topics, and it is then that I turn to lighter, amusing themes. Either way, I never make a fragment list and leave it waiting. I make sure to write it as soon as possible.

4. Review and Expand.

After I have written all I can in that fragment, I re-read it and expand. Rarely does this happen on the day of. Most of the time, this is the following day to let my mind sit with the material I have created. As I re-read, I often find patches of writing that need more explanation, scenes that are missing thoughts or need thoughts to be re-ordered.

5. I pass to my partner.

The first person who reviews my writing is and has always been my partner. With a more technical but still artistic mind, he often catches things I do not and helps me tidy up the copy in a way that I intend it to be read. In all honesty, I cannot be relied upon to create the cleanest copy while also excavating my life for all of these fragments.

*He is also the first in line to support my work, thus it works well that he is the best first person to read what I have written.

6. I review and expand again.

Once he sends back his edits, questions, and suggestions, I re-read, edit, and expand where needed. By then, my first draft should be complete.

7. I submit to my mentor.

The final draft is submitted to my mentor for their edits, thoughts, comments, etc. It is here that I then take the first draft and create a second, hopefully cleaner copy, ready for an agent.

This summer has been full of writing, drafts of second-year assignments, early to bed, and moments of walking in the city. Through the weeks, these are the things I have found that have brought me joy.

On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loenen | Bookmark

Bought for a school assignment, I ate this book up. Elise provided someone like me, a white cisgender female raised in an evangelical mega church culture, words for how ‘sins’ were embedded into my psyche and personhood.

Army Green Palazzo Pants | LuluLemon

I loved my black pants so much that I splurged for summer and bought the green ones. I cannot promise I won’t feel the need to get another colour someday. They are just too comfortable for words.

An Anthology of Shells | DK

Purchased for my science and artifact loving pre teen for our summer vacation. She loves taking her time studying different life and natural forms, and if you listen closely to her, you’ll learn something you may never forget.

Cloudpulse Gym Shoes | On

I know it’s time to trash a pair of shoes when even my partner is commenting on how bad a pair I own are. Rather than replace my worn-to-the-bone outdoor walking sneakers with a new pair, I took my current gym trainers, which were the same as my outdoor walking sneakers, and graduated them for outdoor activities while I replaced them with this pair from On. My weight training sessions in our basement have been exceedingly more comfortable ever since.

Coastal Rocks | White Point Beach

Some people have family cottages; we have White Point. These are my Memory rocks from our 2025 family of three vacation.

Deluxe Bleachers Album | Taz

I have always enjoyed putting a Bleachers song in my playlists. It was the perfect time of year to add this album, featuring most of my favourites, to our vinyl collection.

I entered the MFA Creative Non-Fiction program with one project, and then was shaken awake on the first day when they said:

“You are here for a reason. Don’t write the book you can write without us. Write the book you need our support for.”

This echoed in my mind during residency, pitching days, first semester assignments and as I wrote the first pages of my book.

It turns out that once I went deeper into the process of what I wanted to put on paper, I was looking at a memoir. At first, I thought it was a memoir through essays, and now, at about three-quarters of the way through the first draft process, I can see that it is in fragments.

What I am working on isn’t a chronological journey of my experiences and reflections, but a nuanced inspection of my evangelical-influenced upbringing in a Canadian east coast mega church, how that intermingles with inherited family trauma and the struggle to find an identity as a girl through to adulthood. On the outside, this all feels very whitewashed. Very WASPY at its core, and yet with each fragment, I start to understand more and more not just how quiet the damage is but how deep it has gone.

I am not the first who has put pen to paper to try to unravel how a religion was interwoven into every aspect of her upbringing and family, and I certainly won’t be the last. Still, hopefully, I will put words to something that on the outside is passed on with a shrug, but on the inside, for many of us, is the death of a thousand cuts.

So if you need me -

I’ll be on the floor, sorting the shards of glass that once caused incredible pain and finally making them into something worth reading, something worth understanding and something that will provide words for the desire to heal.

*…and if you know me and how I journey through life, there will be winks added - because even in the darkness, there is always just enough humour to flip to the next page.

Onwards,

What carrying the word Divine so far along with me has taught me is that to encounter a divine presence within oneself and in life, one must make the incredibly uncomfortable act of shedding all the layers that have kept the true core self from being seen by oneself and others.

Winter

To receive what is sacred and delightful, one must purge what isn’t serving. This is not a pretty process. It is often a violent and physically draining journey. As the weeks of winter ticked by, I felt myself be emptied of everything that had been keeping me going before. It was a reckoning of the mind, body and spirit.
Practically, this meant letting go of routines, focusing on just one thing at a time, and pouring energy into learning how to academically support not just myself, but my daughter, in a way I never thought I would have or want to do. It dawned on me that if I want to be the role model she needs, and I wish I had had, I need to reframe my understanding of my perceived limitations. I approached mathematics in a new way and began to engage with her learning anew. It was an incredibly challenging and purging season, and yet, the cleansing brought a new awareness.

Spring

What is fascinating is that after one purges the toxic and no longer serving elements from one’s life, one cannot simply reintroduce them, and one certainly cannot expect to return to the way things were. So much of spring was the Divine showing me what I needed to protect against and what I needed to provide new space for. It was a trial-and-error season that felt incredibly personal and incredibly draining.

Summer

After so much deep cleaning and cleansing, a new thing is growing and thriving under a new awareness. My understanding of what is sacred and delightful is shifting into a peaceful presence of what I know to be true in the deepest parts of myself. My wounds and hard edges are still navigating themselves, but as I have reached mid-year, I can see how the word and energy of Divine is a way to be close to both the light and the dark without fear. All that is alive needs both the darkest night and the brightest light. The balance is how we push for more, always reaching outwards and upwards.

This year has been and I know will continue to be deeply transformative. Not every year of life is - but as this one is teaching me - when the ground is shifting beneath your feet - it’s best to be open to the change and surrender to what wants to be revealed.

Personal reflections on the Summer Residency 2025 of the University of King's College Master's of Fine Arts Creative Non Fiction program.

Burn It Down: Women Writing About Anger | Lilly Dancyger

I found Lilly through her book of essays and memoirs about friendship. It was a beautiful book, so it made clear sense to me that I needed to read this collection of essays about anger. Each one does an incredible job of putting words to what so many of us women experience in life.

The Art of Feminism | Lucinda Gosling

Something about the political climate this International Women’s Day made me feel that this book was essential to get off the shelves while I could. In many respects, it feels as if an overreach to think I can’t just go and buy this or borrow it from the Library at any time, and yet - the way the world has tilted, it has felt as if the toxic patriarchy has a firm hold on what the future of women may be. I will never want to forget the future hope I felt and continue to hone.

Closer Together | Sophie Grégoire Trudeau

I have always appreciated Sophie's voice, and even more so now. She receives a lot of criticism for her privilege, but her self-awareness gives me room to understand this. She provides a space for women to express themselves in new and empowering ways. I am so glad I found this book as a woman and mother of a daughter.

The Circadian Code | Satchin Panda

Over the past year, I have enjoyed learning about and implementing the benefits of living by a circadian rhythm. Is it easy? No. It has been incredibly helpful to my sleep and overall mental health—1000%. This was just another read for me to glean more about the science behind why my body seems to respond well to rising with the sun.

Supercommunicators | Charles Duhigg

An enjoyable read on what it means to be a well-rounded communicator. Charles discusses the three main conversations within which communication happens: What is this really about? How do we feel? And who are we? Despite being trained in implicit and explicit communication, this book was a great reminder of what it means to be a communicator, which is ultimately a great listener. Something extremely hard to do.

Practices in Embodied Living | Hillary L. McBride

A workbook, a conversation piece, a book of reflections… Hillary gives us a book that cannot be read in one sitting. It is to be pondered, puttered, and processed over time. This book will remain on my shelf for years to come.

You Can Make This Place Beautiful | Maggie Smith

Quite simply, it is a beautiful read about a tricky subject. We can’t always know how life will evolve, but Maggie wonderfully shows that despite life’s unexpected, ugly turns, we can continue to grow into something beautiful.

The Situation and The Story | Vivian Gornick

A great compact book about the craft of writing and what it means to dig deeper into what you, the writer, are aiming to communicate. Quite simply, every book/narrative has a situation, and it has a story. Each writer should know what that is to serve the narrative well.

Water Borne | Dan Rubinstein

Read for our MFA pre-residency assignment, Dan Rubinstein gave talks and Q&As during our week-long residency. His book, funded by the Canada Council, documents his journey paddling around various areas of rivers, lakes, and canals in landlocked regions. If you like paddleboarding, this may be for you.

Somehow: Thoughts on Love | Anne Lamott

Anne Lamott is the family member I wish I had. Her honesty and reflections on life and love fuel me to be a better and more whole person with each word she writes.

House of Salt and Sorrows | Erin A. Craig

A creative adaptation of the fairy tale ‘The Twelve Dancing Princesses’. A story I loved as a child is made new through a manor by the sea, where a household of sisters dies accidentally one by one... A mystery, a moody aesthetic and a retelling all in one.

Personal reflections on the Winter 2025 Semester of the University of King's College Master's of Fine Arts Creative Non Fiction program.

Spending this much time deep in words and the craft of memoir essays is taking its toll. It’s lonely as much as it is healing.
This last year has been a beautiful battle between the lonely solo road and the side paths I find that bring solidarity, wonder and beautiful chaos into the journey.
I don’t know who I will find inside myself when I graduate and turn 37 next year - but whoever she is becoming...

She’s been writing a garden for herself, and maybe—just maybe—you’ll get to see it, too.

Onwards,

Personal reflections on the Winter 2025 Residency of the University of King's College Master's of Fine Arts Creative Non Fiction program.

Quiet Comfort Ultra Headphones | Bose

I caved. After years of my partner swearing by his noise-cancelling headphones and finally using his older set for meditation and high-focus writing, I figured it was time for me to invest in my own pair. If the only reason I bought these was to use them for focusing on my book writing and university assignments, they would be worth it. However, they have become a staple in my daily activities, even if only to help me reset my nervous system through a meditation playlist, etc.
*I invest in one item for my office or work life a year. This wasn’t the plan. But this usurped whatever it was going to be.

Palazzo Pant | Luluemon

I fell in love with these pants from Lululemon as soon as I laid eyes on them. The way they hug the waist and bum area while flaring out in comfort from there has me wanting to purchase more. Will pace myself. However, I can assure you that they are as comfortable and of high quality as they appear.
*I have paired it with Blazor and it serves.

Bubbly Soy Candle | Alben Lane

I have done my best to stop buying candles that are not locally produced or Canadian and not made with soy. I admit I have caved off and on, but Alben Lane makes it easy to keep to my values. Bubbly reminds me of the first time I purchased ‘Champagne Toast’ from Bath Body Works and currently sits on my desk during my birthday month, Mother’s Day and all the celebrations that May brings.

Holy Hurt by Hillary McBride | Hillary L. McBride

Hillary continues to write and create beautiful places for women and others who have grappled with what it means to recognize that one has been seperated from their mind, body and spirit and how to find alignment within all three without. This new book Holy Hurt is based on and a continuation of her podcast series Holy Hurt.

Orca Agate | Geologic in Toronto

Having a pre-teen who is deeply immersed in the hobby of collecting and learning about rocks and minerals, it seemed only right that we visit a store that sells and showcases a variety of stones, crystals, and rocks. My takeaway was this beautiful stone (mineral) from Madagascar, which resembles that of an Orca whale.

Slow Burn | Hobbry Puzzle at Indigo

I love supporting Hobbrys’ puzzles through Indigo. I don’t have the time to sit down and do one, but I do have the time to set one out and pick away at it over the months. This one was finished by a handful of preteens who puttered through my house. My daughter is the main culprit.

Charm Bracelet | Pandora

Admittedly, an indulgent gift to our pre-teen to celebrate her entry into the double digits. I had too much fun picking out her first three charms, which will hopefully be a fun experience for her to celebrate milestones and happenings in her life over the long term. I settled on her initial, a green gem to represent her birth month and an elephant to represent one of her most treasured items.
*I loved doing this for her so much, I realized that it’s I who wants a charm bracelet so bad—letting that desire sit until the new year.

Impossible á Aimer Vinyl by Coeur de Pirate | Bravo Musique

I don’t remember when I first heard Béatrice Mireille Martin, also known as Coeur De Pirate, but she was arresting from the first note. She marries old and new approaches to music within her vocals and style in a way that makes me weak in the knees.
Une Chanson Brisée is a favourite of mine.

Personal reflections on the Autumn 2024 Semester of the University of King's College Master's of Fine Arts Creative Non Fiction program.

As I work on writing a book of essays that touches on a variety of topics, least of all elements of trauma that still lives within my body I have found reminding myself of these approaches helps.
For more on how this broader nervous system works, Crash Course gives a great layman’s lesson.

1. Cold Shower

   It's not one I enjoy or am particularly good at—and yet, despite my lack of skills, this may be the best regulating method I have found to date. I am no professional at Cold showers or plunges, but when I have tried them, I have noticed the profound effects on my brain function and overall regulation.
   *On a small scale, holding ice cubes in one’s hand can help stop an anxiety attack and reorient the body.

2. Walk

   A daily walk for fresh air and movement calms the nerves. I like to say, “I never come back from a walk and regret it.” From time to time, I’ll also use my headphones and record myself processing a work or life issue—more often than not, by the time I have come back inside, I feel more regulated and have solved or brainstormed solutions.

3. Lap around the house

   This may seem ridiculous, but when I have been at my desk or sitting in my reading chair writing on something particularlly triggering or difficult to put into words, just getting up and puttering from room to room and putting something to order in each can help calm the buzzing of discomfort just enough for me to sit back down and write another page.
   *Movement always helps.

4. Meditation/visualizations

   Pop on your headphones and a meditative playlist (no lyrics or simply ocean waves), set a timer, and allow yourself to sink into your body and breath. Often, during this time, I like to ask myself, “Where am I?” and what usually happens is a beautiful spiritual visualization that feeds the soul. Five minutes before writing or starting the day has been a grounding, safe place for me.

5. A Calming Show

   The most prolific and thought-provoking television now tends to be highly deep and at best heavy to process. Finding something that brings one back into their body is a rare and beautiful thing. Examples of these are: Mr.Rogers ’ Neighbourhood, The French Chef, The Great British / Canadian Baking Shows, Best in Miniature, Gilmore Girls, Julia, etc.

6. A Regulating Playlist

   You’ll notice I add playlists to these suggestions because, as I have learned over the years, music and sound are hugely dysregulating or regulating. Using it to your benefit can be helpful. A lot of research has shown that 432 and 528 Hertz sound frequencies have a positive effect on the nervous system. You can find many of these online or on your streaming provider’s playlists.

7. Water

   Simple, understated, but amazing how it wakes one up and freshens the system. Water is proven to help one’s nerves communicate properly, regulate the body and overall brain function. A tall glass of water goes a long way.

8. Physical touch / cuddling with a safe person.

   My first memories of feeling safe were lying close to my mother during naps or other rest times, such as watching films. As an adult, I have found that same self-regulating feeling with only a handful of people. I currently feel this way most often when my daughter is near or my partner. We don’t need to be intertwined. It can simply be the way her pre-teen feet wiggle against my leg as she watches a movie or a show she likes. That physical touch creates a domino effect in my nervous system that cannot be replicated with just anyone.

9. Warm / Hot bath.

   Light some candles, put on a soothing playlist, add Epsom salts or a bath bomb, and allow yourself to be soothed by the warmth surrounding you. It’s hard to feel safe, but for a moment, the water wants to hold you, and you are enough.

10. The voice of a safe person

    Not all of us are privileged enough to live close to or see our safe people often. In lieu of touch and in person, the voice of someone can also help bring us back into a safe place within ourselves. I’d even go so far as to say that when my daughter hums and sings to herself while doing something, I will often lie or sit near her to be soothed by her sounds. I find her a very safe presence to be with and around.

It’s time you knew…

I am not just sitting through classes about writing… I am also writing a book of essays.

I can’t tell you the working title of this book (although if you pay attention, you may pick up on some of it).
I can’t tell you everything that will be included, but rest assured, if it made a mark on my life, odds are higher it will find its way in.
I can’t promise I won’t discuss the irony, the political, the upside-down religiosity of evangelicals, and the consistently overbearing patriarchy that has laced itself around me and so many of us like a corset.
Forcing our breath to become shallow,
our voices weak…and oh-

That’s how they keep us swooning like Victorian damsels ?!?!?!!!

I can’t promise a lot of things, but I can promise you that it will be a deeply provocative, if not also witty, read on the death-by-a-thousand-cuts moments women and other like-minded persons face in the world and the cultures that raise them.
I can promise that it will be a personal deep dive that sheds light on the importance and awareness of individuality, mental health and the quiet damage of an evangelical upbringing.

Onwards,


Amy Grace
An Accidental Feminist